The keys to my future: Two cool ways the first man I lived with changed my life

Photo taken by Dan of me in Hawaii.

Mornings with my mother were a chaotic dance that always began with the grinding of coffee beans and usually ended with a frantic search for car keys. 

 

Every time I watched this stressful performance, I promised myself I wouldn’t follow her lead. But of course I did, finding myself dancing the same clumsy, loud steps for years — until I moved in with Dan.

 

I’m not sure how many times he watched the chaos before ending it — maybe once? As someone who re-created the same anal artwork with the careful positioning of his wallet, watch and name tag on his dresser every night, Dan could not let chaos reign in his home.

So he added a hook to my bookshelf near the front door and said, “Your keys go here.”

 

That was cool.

 

Because more than thirty years later, I still hang my car keys on a hook. But that simple switching of chaos to calm wasn’t the best thing Dan did for me. No, the best thing he did was help me earn a college degree.

Without parents to offer me support or stability after graduating high school, I treaded water for years, working full-time while doggedly starting but rarely finishing classes at my town’s community college.

 

A science teacher who noticed the pattern announced the first day of one semester that there were people registered for his class whom he knew would drop it, and he urged them (or was it just me?) to quit right then so others who really needed the course could take their place.

 

But I didn’t; I convinced myself that I would stay and finish this time. But I didn’t; I dropped that course, again. And I might have done it yet again if I hadn’t next enrolled in the math class where I met Dan.

 

I first went out with the cute guy sitting next to me because he seemed calm and smart. And I kept dating him because he was definitely NOT like the last guy who asked me out — a 26-year-old I dropped off at his family’s apartment afterward because he didn’t have his own car.

Like me, Dan was on his own, having moved out of his father’s house as soon as he could, and we shared the goal of completing a college degree — him wanting to being the first in his family to earn one, and me wanting to achieve what my mother and both her parents had done.

But unlike me, Dan first earned a well-paying union job at a grocery store that allowed him to buy his first home at 19. I could not have been more impressed at how Dan didn’t just draw a map for his life, but successfully followed it, and so I happily hitched my wagon to his when he asked me to move in.

Now finally accountable to someone other than myself, I started finishing classes and eventually transferred to the university where I earned my bachelor’s degree. And though Dan later joined me there, we broke up soon after moving in together again.

Because graduating college was the only goal we shared, and our time apart finally gave me the courage to admit out loud that I no longer saw me on the map of his life, nor him on mine.

And while I wasn’t always thankful for the time we spent together (especially the time he wouldn't let me finish dessert), I now feel incredibly grateful to have met Dan when I did — because he steered us both toward a dream I might never have achieved without him. And that is very cool.

Dan washing a truck he just bought himself.

My Grandmother's Journals: February, 1999 "Myra brought me meatball soup."

Welcome to the daily life of my grandmother, a very persnickety and frugal woman.

These entries are from 1999, when she was 83 and living in a mobile home park in Santa Cruz, Calif., near the popular surfing spot Pleasure Point, which she loved to walk to most days to watch the waves and surfers.

February of that year was full of frustrations: Incorrect listings in the TV Guide, wrong movie times in the newspaper, and the continuing impeachment proceedings for President Clinton, which she found stressful. 

(More on my grandmother below.)

 

January entries.

Monday, Feb. 1, 1999

Cold again. Ready — shower, hair, dressed — by 11.

To KFC for pot pie. Kmart for gasoline.

To doctor’s. Early, read. Pressure almost normal, upper limit.

Kmart, got blue flats, fabrics.

Home 2:15. 

Starr in news again. He can file against a sitting president. Much protest.

TV: News, Poirot (old.)

Tuesday, Feb. 2, 1999

Cold again. Ready by 10, after chores.

To Drug Emporium, got TV Guide.

To bank for balance, McDonald’s for coffee.

To Longs, pix for Mina. Rented “Rush Hour” video.

TV: News, Geraldo.

Ran video,watched part of Law & Order.

Wednesday, Feb. 3, 1999

Cold. Usual breakfast. Chores.

To Longs, returned video. Got paper.

To bank, closed maximizer. Took $ to credit union.

Trader Joe’s, then home.

Wrote letter to Mina re eyes and R. L. Stevenson.

Lunch: Myra brought me meatball soup.

TV: Murder She Wrote, Jim Lehrer, Law & Order.

 

Thursday, Feb. 4, 1999

Up 8ish. Got package ready to mail.

Foned Trader Joe’s and Bay Credit Union re: overcharge.

To Ocean for donut/coffee.

To Library, no museum for RLS at Monterey.

To show, “A Simple Plan.” Scary. Bill Paxton, Bob Thorton. 5 murders.

Home, taped Lehrer. TV Guide had “Frost” on A&E, was Holmes. Watched PBS Mystery.

Friday, Feb. 5, 1999

Up 8ish. Usual breakfast. Left 10:30.

To Sears, looked for pants. Also Mervyn’s. No luck.

To Kmart for lunch and looked for pants.

To Trader Joe’s, got carrots & cash back for overcharge.

Mail: Check for $8.07 from Medicare?

TV: Again TV Guide wrong. Law & Order, bed early.

Saturday, Feb. 6, 1999

Awake 6. Cold. heat til 7. May rain.

To Albertsons: fish, milk, bananas, cream

Home: Senate, Some “Six Degrees of Separation.” 

Called Justine.

TV: X-Files, skating in Japan; great ice dancing.

Sunday, Feb. 7, 1999

Up 8ish. Watched CNN at 10, some political show.

Wrote letter to Mina.

20 senators on TV shows, man in gallery yelled “Great God almighty, take that vote.” He was arrested but paper noted he may be acquitted because too many people in D.C. feel same way.

TV: X-Files, news.

Rain in night.

Monday, Feb. 8, 1999

Up 6 heat til 7.

Breakfast, chores. Garbage pickup 8:30.

Deposited $8.07 check.

Mailed letter to Mina, mailed face gel to Justine.

To Kmart, got applesauce, muffins.

To doctor’s, he had emergency.

Checked for blue purse, pants at Penney's, Gottschalks. None.

TV: Geraldo, part of Ally McBeal.

Tuesday, Feb. 9, 1999

Awake 6, heat til 7. Finished crossword.

Raining. Electricity out in mountains, mudslides.

To Drug Emporium, TV Guide. Finally changed price to 1.49.

Checked Mervyn’s, then Ross. Got two bags, blue & black.

TV: Morse, L/O.

 

Wednesday, Feb. 10, 1999

Usual breakfast. 

Worked on Velcro to fix strap on blue purse.

Few chores, paper at Kmart.

Got purple flowers at Beverly’s Fabrics, put on Margie’s grave.

To Wendy's, chicken sandwich.

To Toyota, horn fixed. horn under warranty? $25 labor.

Home, ants have invaded!

TV: Geraldo, Lehrer. Forgot Morse.

 

Thursday, Feb. 11, 1999

Awake 2-4-6-8. Cold, heat. Read.

Chores, new battery in hearing aid. 

Wind blew chips out in carport again.

Walked on cliff, then to KFC. Got pot pie & coconut pie. $5.13.

Home, some vacuum. Ants in bathroom.

Usual TV, read paper.

Friday, Feb. 12, 1999

Up 8, breakfast. Vacuumed early.

Vote at 9.50-50 Obstruction of Justice.

To show, “Little Voice.” Talked to man. Jane Horrocks, great voice.

Justine called. Rented Ab Fab. 

Saturday, Feb. 13, 1999

Up 9, usual breakfast. Cleaned car mats, did not clean up.

To Kragen, got clear plastic mats. 

To Ocean for coffee/donut.

To show, “Central Station.” Poor, illiterate people. Well-done, though.

Rain started.

Mail: Four letters, statement from Treasury.

TV: Bravo, Anne of 1,000 days

Monday, Feb. 15, 1999

Holiday. Up 8, usual. Shower/hair

To Greybears, woman looking for magazine.

To McDonald's for lunch.

To show, “Blast from the Past.”

Home, Myra left message. She to move to Nipomo. Will be 90, tired of helping Larry.

TV: News, King & I. Rex Harrison. 

Bed. Tired, but not deep sleep!

Tuesday, Feb. 16, 1999

Awake 6-8-9:15. Breakfast usual, chores.

Couldn't get hearing aid working right.

Raining. 

To doctor’s, left eye almost ready. Medicare will pay.

To Kmart, got food. Bank.

Rain scattered.

Mail: Letter from Prudy. Electric storm. Tornado “watch.” Slept in clothes.

TV: Bio of Tony Randall, NYPD.

Wednesday, Feb. 17, 1999

Up 6, breakfast 9. Ready by 11. 2 hrs!

Kmart for gasoline after walk on cliff.

Got pair of sox and lunch at Kmart. Too much.

To show, “Life is Beautiful.” Not playing at 1:30. Paper misprint.

TV: Tara Lipinsky special, part of Law & Order. 

Bed. Watched another Law & Order.

Thursday, Feb. 18, 1999

Up 7. To laundromat. Washed cold, both dark and light.

Home. Wrote John Mark with newspaper clips of Mavericks competition.

Post Office, mailed letter to John and letter to Mina.

TV: Murder She Wrote, Lehrer, L&O, Mystery.

Friday, Feb. 19, 1999

Awake 8, usual breakfast.

To Drug Emporium for TV Guide, Ocean Street for donut/coffee.

To library, took pix for Mina: herbs, medicines.

Lunch Erik's. Got Elastic.

To show, “Shakespeare in Love.” [Justine here: For the second time!]

Home, message on phone: "Pick up book at library, Reflexology."

Mail: Letter from Carla.

TV: MSW, Law & Order, 2nd part.

Not good sleep. Think took too many gingko.

Finally sleep at 2.

Saturday, Feb. 20, 1999

Up 9. Usual. Chores, out 10 a.m.

Longs, got battery for watch, some groceries, Xerox.

To Albertsons, food.

To library for book on Reflexology.

Gene Siskel died. Was ill a few months ago. When returned, seemed to have a stammer. Had brain tumor operation, but did not discuss it. 

Not much on TV, read.

Slept good 11:30-2-5-9.

Cold.

Sunday, Feb. 21, 1999

Gave up on “Elizabeth,” up too late.

To town, library. Talked to woman about crochet hat. She taking guitar, weaving lessons at Cabrillo.

To Logo's, no herb book. Checked at Santa Cruz Book Shop.

Home 3:30. Ate, TV.

Nature, “Extraordinary Cats,” and Doris Duke.

Monday, Feb. 22, 1999

Awake 7, usual breakfast.

Shower/hair. Some chores.

Wrote Mina, sent more RLS pix. Mailed letter.

To Kmart, got food. Lunched.

Home. Murder She Wrote, papers.

Talked to Myra about 4:30. She used reflexology in the past.

TV: A&E bio on Doris Duke.

Tuesday, Feb. 23, 1999

Up 8. Usual. Chores.

Gave Sister Grace two purses, pair of blue slacks.

To Elizabeth 11:15, showing cancelled.

Called Elder Hostel. All lottery now. Form to be mailed.

Got Masonic home newsletter.

Worked on taxes. Got discount on capital gains.

Usual TV: MSW, Lehrer, Geraldo, some Doris Duke.

Wednesday, Feb. 24, 1999

Up 9. Walked on cliff. Very low tide.

To Aptos, KFC for lunch.

Bought stamps, home.

Mail: New Visa card, bank statement.

Fed tax finished. Also state.

Some TV.

Thursday, Feb. 25, 1999

Up 8. Breakfast, chores. To post office 10:15.

To Beverly's for flowers, quite a few. 

Lunch at Wendy's. Got taco salad. Huge! Took some home.

Got cap pattern for crochet. Also yarn.

Mail: Letter from Mina, Medicare info.

Golf: Tiger going to next round.

TV: Geraldo, Law & Order, Monk. Taped Robert Altman recreation of Kansas City.

Not good sleep.

Friday, Feb. 26, 1999

Had doctor's appt 11:20 Changed to 3:45, went back to bed.

Usual breakfast here. Fixed flowers.

To Anne's, gave her literature on hearing aid.

To Kmart, got artificial flowers. Had ice cream.

To doctor's early, read book. He said getting glasses OK, eye stable. Use artificial tears.

Tired.

TV: Lehrer, Art in West. Law & Order old.

Saturday, Feb. 27, 1999

Up 7 a.m. Tea, fruit.

To Kmart, got three baskets of artificial flowers. Ate breakfast there.

Looked at pants, got purse yesterday. White knit.

Home, worked on cleaning flowers. 

Mail: Letter from Sy. Moved!!

Talked to Myra 3:45 to 4.

TV: Not much of interest.

 

Sunday. Feb. 28, 1999

Up 7:30. Usual breakfast. 

Chores, planted aloe in back. Worked some on flowers.

To Longs, took pix of a few pages for Mina. Wrote short letter, sent cap pattern.

Read "Amateur Emigrant." Found Silverado Squatters anti-climatic. To library, returned it.

Paid rent, got candy. 

Ate lunch, watched tennis.

Anna visited, asked me to help unpack dishes. Yes, I will.

Dinner: Zucchini, fish.

TV: Siskel & Ebert, tribute to Siskel. Loved the Bulls basketball team. Some 60 Minutes, X-Files.

More on these entries: I found a bag full of small Mead notebooks after my grandmother died, only learning then that for decades my grandmother wrote down every day when she woke, what she ate, what movie she went to see, any mail and calls she received, then what she read and watched on TV before bed.  I find the details of her days fascinating, fun and very soothing to read.

More on my grandmother: Though she never lived with another person or even a pet when I knew her, I also never knew her to be lonely. She was an extremely independent woman who did not marry my grandfather when she became pregnant in 1943, and instead raised my mother on her own in 1950s Los Angeles. (I wrote more about her life in this post)