Wish list at 25: "To have a reliable car. To get a good job. To be independent. To have space to dance."

At age 25, I wrote a list of wishes for my future. Feeling adrift and anxious because I had just graduated college and needed a job, I hoped to calm and focus myself by writing down what I wanted to have in my life. 

Which must have helped, because when I discovered that list recently, 52-year-old me was amazed to see I have fulfilled all of the professional and personal wishes 25-year-old me had.

That was cool.

But what's even more remarkable to me is what I did NOT wish for: To get married and have kids. Younger me wanted a good car and a good job without a long commute, wanted an interesting and fulfilling job alongside good people, then to find one good person to "love who loves me." But I did not wish for a husband and kids. So I didn't get them.

At least not the kids. I did get married, and my husband and I did try to get pregnant, but after many frustrating years it became clear we could not create a child.  And while overall we have accepted, and are mostly even relieved by, the fact that we couldn't, we both have some lingering deep sorrow about not having children to share our lives with. 

So reading that list I made long ago gave me just what I needed: Both to be reminded of how much I have actually accomplished, and that I still have one more wish to focus on. Which, funny enough, is the very first thing younger me had on her list: To live by the ocean.

And hopefully, it won't take another 25 years to finally cross everything off that list!

Here's the list I wrote in February of 1996:

1. To live by the ocean.

2. To live within walking distance of most necessities.

3. Not to have to commute.

4. To have space to dance.

5. To have a vegetable garden.

6. To be able to draw/paint/do ceramics.

7. To be independent. 

8. To have savings.

9. To work with good people I like.

10. To have a fulfilling, rewarding career.

11. To be healthy.

12. To have a fun, reliable car.

13. To see trees/mountains/birds/the ocean from my windows, either breakfast and/or bedroom.

14. To have people to share my life with.

15. To be living with someone whom I love who loves me; someone who is happy being with me and I'm happy being with them.

16. To see my father again? (More on that entry)

17. To graduate.

18. To get a good job.

19. To be a happy, vibrant, independent, successful person.

My Grandmother's Journals: February, 1998

With her grandfather on Treasure Island in 1939.

I’m a bit obsessed with the dairies my grandmother kept: When she woke, what she ate, the movie she went to see, any mail and calls she received, then what she read and watched on TV before bed.

 

I find the details of her days fascinating, not only because I’m curious about the minutia of most people’s lives, but because the journals I only discovered after her death finally let me feel close to a woman I could not connect with when she was alive.

For most of the years she kept her journals, she lived alone in a mobile home park in Santa Cruz, Calif., but I wouldn't describe her as lonely. She was an extremely independent, frugal and persnickety woman whom I never knew to live with another person or even a pet. (I wrote more about her life in an earlier post.) 

 

Close to her mobile home was the famous surfing spot called Pleasure Point, and nearly every day she walked to the cliffs above the ocean to watch the waves and surfers. So when she died at 97 in 2013, I took her ashes to those waves with one of her friends, and we each dropped some ashes at the sand. A moment after I dropped mine, a surfer emerged from the water where I stood.  

That was cool.

 

 

In February of 1998, my grandmother was not traveling, just dutifully typing letters to all her pen pals, many of whom she met abroad, staying current with the news and sports, and dutifully heading to Trader Joe's to buy me gingko biloba!

January entries.

 

Sunday, February 1, 1998

Awake 7, Tea, etc. Crossword.

Raining hard.

Called Justine. Raining hard there, no driving.

Talked of her father and of meeting in San Jose, museum.

To Aptos for show, “Wag the Dog.” Late, will rent it. 

To Safeway, electricity out. 

To Albertsons, they said not to club (cashier).

Home, paid rent. 

TV: Last of Reckless, taped Jazz program.

Couldn’t sleep til 3 a.m.

 

Monday, Feb. 2, 1998

Awake 9:30, Tea, etc.

Dressed and to Drug Emporium for paper, BP. Got TV Guide.

Raining hard.

Mail: Credit Union, bill for waste allowance.

Rained almost all night, plastic wind shield blown off. Rivers rising.

Called Justine. She looks at Napa River, from 2' across to 10' across. 

 

Tuesday, Feb. 3, 1998

Awake 7:45 a.m. Tea, etc. 

Many roads closed, power outages. Santa Cruz, Monterey, San Jose considered emergency areas. Hwy 101 closed south of Salinas.

Carport at No. 1, Bebe's, blown down (part way), worker finished it. 

Her roof blew away (part way) last year.

Paid Gottschalk's, to Post Office for stamps.

To Kmart, got shirt for Lutz. Got shirt for me at Gottschalk’s.

TV: “Silent Witness.”

 

Wednesday, Feb. 4, 1998

Awake 5 a.m., back to sleep until 9:30. Chores.

Drug Emporium, BP, got “Relaxing tea.”

Post office, mailed package to Lutz.

Walked cliff. 

Got coffee/donut. Showed pictures of Bali.

Mail: Check from State Farm, insurance card.

To bank to deposit check.

Mr. Sanchez came over, cut bush.

Took Larry to doctor. 

Some TV. To bed, tired.

Up 1 a.m, washed some items.

Thursday, Feb. 5, 1998

Slept 4-9, good! Ready 10:30.

Trip to Capitola Beach. Wind bad!

To library, looked for table. Nothing. Finished “The God Hustlers.”

Ate at Burger King.

Mid-County does not want stockings.

Home, readied tapes for Mina; Science Odysessy.

WIND UP.

Some TV. Frasier, two segments. 

Caught up with papers. Bed late.

 

Friday, Feb. 6, 1998

Up Late. Radio: Ronn on Clinton again. Bad joke day.

Wrote to Andra/Lutz, wrapped videos for Mina.

Wrote Mina, note to Justine

Donut/coffee at 41st. To Longs, copied letters.

To Post Office. Home 3:30.

TV: News, Frasier, Law & Order, Ted Koppel: Blair/Clinton.

 

Saturday, Feb. 7, 1998

Awake 7:56. News, tea, etc.

To post office 9:45. Mailed letters to Mina, Justine.

Looked at Capitola Beach. Disaster. Police tape at edge of sidewalk.

Home, read papers. Wind wild.

Fire engines 1:30. Trees?

TV: Placido Domingo, Met production, 1984.

Taped: Woody Allen’s “Husbands and Wives.”

Watched: Ghost, Strangers in Good Company. (Good).

Ran “Husbands,” sewed.

 

Sunday, Feb. 8, 1998

Tea, raining hard.

Ran tape of In Good Company, 1/2 hour.

To cliff, to sea. Watched a bit. New construction looks good.

Instead of a show, home. Raining.

Put out garbage, had mail. Letter from Masonic home.

Read some letters. Pauline died, family asking for pix.

Olympics: Watched skating, snowboarding. 

 

Monday, Feb. 9, 1998

Awake finally 9 a.m.

Chores. Tea,  etc.

Drug Emporium: BP OK. Got TV Guide, cookies.

To show, “Replacement Killers.” Lots of digital TV scenes.

Mail from Mina, Northern Trust.

Worked on pix, Pauline.

TV: X-Files, news. Still houses full of mud.

 

Tuesday, Feb. 10, 1998

No sleep til 4 a.m. Awake 9:45. Usual.

Longs: BP, pix, cans of food, paper towels.

Gas at Beacons, 1.289/gallon.

Ross, got black ? JC Penney, got silver mylar table cover.

Home 3:15 p.m. News, mended pants, buttonhole.

Worked on gathering info for Pauline’s relatives.

Shower/hair.

Ran part of Jazz tape, watched “Bad Boys,” Will Smith, Martin Lawrence as plain clothes detectives; some funny, some dumb.

Bed. Melatonin, slept good.

 

Wednesday, Feb. 11, 1998

Up 9. Tea, etc.

Donut and coffee at 41st.

Stationery store, got paper clips, round fasteners.

Walked on cliff. Beautiful weather.

Mail: Long letter from Mina.

TV: Soul Man, Frasier, some Olympics. Skiing. Picabo Street got gold. Also man from Tiburon.

 

Thursday, Feb. 12, 1998

Up 7:30. Tea, etc.

Packed vitamins, 10 bags. 

Some chores.

McDonald’s for coffee.

To Longs for pix.

Library, 250 cars crash in Italy.

To Wendy’s for lunch. Got salad.

Mail: Letter from Carla.

TV: Jim Lehrer hour. Olympics.

 

Friday, Feb. 13, 1998

Couldn't sleep. 8:30, Larry out hammering.

Sunny today. Out 10:30.

Donut, coffee, paper, BP.

Bank, deposited in Justine’s account.

Home, wrote to both girls.

To show, “Afterglow.” Julie Christie, Nick Nolte. Good.

TV: Olympics, some reruns, Frasier.

Saturday, Feb. 14, 1998

Awake 8:30. Tea, etc. Out 10:30.

Drug Emporium, BP OK.

Read paper in car. Raining hard.

Burger King, home.

Tennis: Sampras won, replayed Agassi. Good tennis.

Papers, news. Worked on federal taxes. Must do cap gains.

Olympics: Men's skating. Todd fell.

Sunday, Feb. 15, 1998

Up 7:30. Tea, etc.

To show, “The Apostle.” Well done. 2 hours, 10 mins.

Home 2 p.m. Tennis match.

Dinner here, called Mina. She called back, talked long.

TV: News, ran end of “A Little Romance.”

Joan McCoy called to see if I’m OK.

 

Monday, Feb. 16, 1998

Awake 7:30. Not much sleep. Listened to “Leaves of Grass” cassette.

Rain let up a bit.

To Longs, Xerox broken. Got muffins.

To Kmart for lunch. Raining hard.

Home, read paper, wrote letter to Prudy.

Called Justine 3:30 p.m.

TV: Olympics, ice dancing. Russia 1-2, France 3. Ist coach had gorgeous sable coat. Where does money come from?

 

Tuesday, Feb. 17, 1998

Awake 6:30, up 7:30. To laundromat 9:15.

Coffee and donut at 41st. 

No rain, then real rain. Caught in rain, got pants and sox wet! Hope no cold!

Finished and mailed letter to Mimi.

Olympics, women's hockey won gold. Nikki Stone, gold in aerials.

Radio: Strong Clinton speech at Pentagon, Ronn agrees.

 

Wednesday, Feb. 18, 1998

Awake 6:30. Tea, etc. Sun out.

To Trader Joe's, Drug Emporium, BP; Longs, Albertsons.

Walked on cliff, lovely day.

Home, Oscar and Lois walked by with Lois' sister. Lois in therapy.

Mail from Justine, she needs gingko.

To TJ's, got two gingko & echinacea. 

TV: Olympics.

Foned Dillon.

 

Thursday, Feb. 19, 1998

Awake 6:30, some news. Dillon called.

Dressed 9 a.m. To post office, mailed GB & E to Justine.

Breakfast Kmart.

To library, returned Leaves of Grass. 

Home, news. FBI arrested two men in Law Vegas with white substance. "Media" reports allege anthrax.

Wrote Sy and Stimson. 

Left message on Justine's machine.

TV: Frasier, X-Files.

Read French.

 

Friday, Feb. 20, 1998

Up 7. Tea, etc. Expected Dillon, no. Waited til 10.

Walked on cliff. Mary there.

Got donut and coffee.

Talked to Ellie, was ill. Goes to VA Wed for tests.

Home. News, ate some veggies.

To show, “Zero Effect.” Crowded! Funny, clever.

Home 5 p.m. News, ate tuna steak, Betty Crocker potatoes.

Mina called. Chatted a bit re Kwan/Lipinski.

Bed after Olympics.

Saturday, Feb. 21, 1998

Awake 8:30. Chores.

Drug Emporium for paper.

41st for donut/coffee. Thorton died.

Home. Finished fed taxes, read paper.

Justine called. Received vitamins.

TV: Taped some skating, watched “Clear and Present Danger.”

Bed 12:30, no sleep til 2 a.m. 

Sunday, Feb. 22, 1998

Tea, etc. Chores, shower/hair.

Announced on CNN that Saddam agreed to inspection.

Mall: Paid JC. Penney, bought book.

Ate at Burger King. Got two videos at Wherehouse.

Home 3 p.m. Ran “Jade,” part of others.

Part One of Oprah Winfrey presents, “The Wedding.”

Monday, Feb. 23, 1998

Up 8:30. Tea, etc. Some slack in rain.

Returned videos, mailed state tax forms, got paper.

To Lucky, then library. 

To Longs for Xerox, paper jammed.

Home, Frasier. Some “sleeping.”

Tuesday. Feb. 24, 1998

Dinner Live Oak, Bingo.

up 7:30. Tea, etc. Drug Emporium.

Walked on cliff.

Coffee at 41st.

Home, wrote to Mina. Some work in garden.

Read some.

 

Wednesday, Feb. 25, 1998

Up 7:30. Tea, etc.

Drug Emporium, got some vitamins.

Gasoline, Trader Joe's. Coffee at mall.

Mail: Received card from Andra. Lutz got shirts.

Talked to Ellie, told Myra.

Wrote Justine about Dr. Edell.

To post office. Cold.

Some TV. Frasier, Dharma & Gregg. Ronn (Owens) said was his favorite. I thought no. Tries too hard?

Finished papers.

Bed to read Elliot R's book, got sidetracked to Leonardo Da Vinci.

 

Thursday, Feb. 26. 1998

Awake 7:30. Tea, etc. Ready by 9:15.

To Safeway. Bath tissue, bananas, potatoes.

Got paper at Kmart, also cough drops. 

Walked on cliff. Beautiful day.

Mail: Bank statement. Balanced OK.

TV: Frasier, PBS Mystery "The Ice House." Good.

Bed, finished book. Good sleep.

 

Friday, Feb. 27, 1998

Awake 6:30. Ready 9:15.

Longs: BP, paper, pears.

Coffee at mall. 

Home 11:15. Papers, rested.

Kmart for lunch.

Albertsons: Cereal, soy milk up 10 cents.

Mail: Letter from Joan. 

Crossword, papers.

TV: “Stargate.”

Slept deep, funny dreams. 

 

Saturday, Feb. 28, 1998

Awake 6:30. Usual tea, read a bit.

Longs, xeroxed Visa bill. 

Library, little work. Man there!

To show, "Dark City." Not great, but good special effects.

Home 3:30, dined.

Tennis, Sampras won.