From joy to pain and back again: One day in the lives of three women

Clockwise from left: Carolyn, Justine, Sarah and Harvey.

Life and death on Oct. 26: How one day turned great joy into great pain, then great pain into great joy.

Carolyn

In 1965, 20-year-old Carolyn was traveling with friends in Germany when she met a man in a bar. He helps her request a song from the band, and later in her journal she describes him as a “very quiet, nice person” whom she hopes to see again in Greece.

In Athens he waits a week, visiting the same spot every day at noon until she arrives. Then Carolyn decides to leave her friends and travel through Turkey with this “beautiful person who enjoys meeting and talking to people, and looks for the good things that happen.”

By the time they reach Syria she describes herself as “in love” with the 27-year-old Dane who speaks English with a Scottish accent and hitchhikes in a kilt.

 

“I enjoy being with him so much. We don’t have to talk to each other, we can sit in silence for a long time, each having their own thoughts.” Her journal entries end soon after, but not their romance.

 

On Oct. 26, 1965, the pair married in Scotland, and Carolyn finally returns to Los Angeles in early 1966 with a husband.

 

Justine

Nine months after her wedding, Carolyn had a baby girl whose lungs could not keep her alive. But her third girl had lungs that worked too well, because Justine screamed all day, only sleeping when too exhausted to wail.

One morning when she was 15, Justine felt like screaming all day again. Already angry that her mother was gone birding, she got even angrier when Carolyn didn’t return in time for their day trip.

“But you’re not here, are you,” she tells her mother’s note promising to be home by 10. Soon after Justine starts to get ready anyway, there is a knock on the bathroom door. Thinking it is her mother, she begins stoking her anger again until it is drowned by the fear in her father’s voice.

“I need you to come out here, please. There are men here. There’s been an accident. Your mother’s not coming home.” 

 

The day before, exactly 20 years after her wedding, on Oct. 26, 1985, Carolyn was killed in a car crash.

 

As soon as the deputies left her house, Justine sneaked into her parents’ bedroom to pull out her mother’s pajamas and pillowcase, secreting them away to smell whenever she wanted.

The next day she went with her grandmother to see the body, but her father stayed home. “I want to remember her as she was,” he said of the adventurous American who had been his best friend for two decades.

After Justine carried her mother home in a box, the family scattered her ashes on Carolyn’s favorite beach, where she had gone every weekend at dawn to help save a small population of endangered shorebirds.

Decades later when Justine last saw her father, he said his wife had been hovering at his bedside, trying to tell him something.

“I should have gone to see her after. You were right to go.”

“No, dad, you were right,” she said, wishing she still saw freckles instead of black bruises on her mother’s cheeks.

When her father died, Justine brought his ashes to the same beach to finally reunite him with his wife on what would have been their 49th wedding anniversary: Oct. 26, 2014.

Sarah and Harvey

Also on Oct. 26, 2014, Sarah was recovering from what felt like a car crash: The birth of her first son.

“All those women who told me how beautiful childbirth is, I thought they were full of shit!” she remembers thinking as she lay in the hospital after 26 hours of labor, unable to feel her legs or hear her baby crying.

“Babies are supposed to cry, why isn’t he crying?” she wonders as the ever-growing number of staff in the room struggled to get her boy to breathe. Finally she heard him cry, and waited anxiously for them to give him back to her, looking forward to finally holding and trying to feed him.

But they said he needed to go to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, and “only let me hold him for a second or two.”

After a week in the NICU, her baby finally came home, but his breathing problems continued. Sarah said it took two years for her to emerge from the tunnel of trauma, finally pulled through by the need to keep up with a now thriving and determined young boy.

“He stubbornly keeps trying to get what he wants,” said Sarah, both awed and frustrated by her son’s drive and focus. “He is smart in ways I have never been, and I love that so much. I am very lucky that I get to be with Harvey.”

 

Another wedding in Scotland: I got married where my parents did because they couldn't be there with me. And thanks to one of our guests, I ended up with my mother's wedding bouquet: Read that story here.

Poem: The woman who walked

When I was a kid 

there was a woman who walked. 

Not to the store, 

not to work,

she just walked.

 

She was my ballerina,

impossibly slim and revealing

only calves of steel below her skirt.

I loved watching her,

and wondering why she walked.

 

Now I wish I could show her

that I finally understand.

 Because all I want to do is walk.

Not to work,

not to the store,

just walk.

And see what the trees I met yesterday

want to show me today.

Photo by Nathan DeHart

Thanks to a van named Fern, I finally saw Fern Canyon. And got a great trip back to my childhood.

For years I had been dreaming of seeing Fern Canyon, an oasis of green and wet in a remote corner of northern California. 

What was keeping me away? The four-hour drive from my home with few places that I could stay nearby without camping. But then a friend offered to drive me in her van — a van, no joke, named Fern!

That was cool.

Especially because even after all that anticipation, finally walking through a 50-foot high canyon covered in ferns didn’t just live up to my expectations, it exceeded them.

But the coolest thing about that journey in Fern was how it drove me back to some of my favorite childhood memories, only with some great new upgrades:

1. The water spigot 

As a kid I spent tons of time in a van, especially the 1968 Chevy van my parents drove my sister and I to what felt like every campground in California. I remember many hours of being bored, hungry and thirsty in that van, and how whenever I told my father I wanted something to drink, he'd reach for the engine block between us and pantomime pouring me a glass of water from an invisible spigot, a trick that usually silenced me for at least an hour.

But Fern? Fern had water! A re-purposed olive oil can with a spigot that actually filled my glass with water. Score one for Fern.

2. The bed

My most vivid memories in my parents' van are of waking up in my sleeping bag while they were driving at night. 

In those moments surrounded by darkness, with no idea where I was and no control over where I was going, it felt like floating in outer space. And yet I also felt completely safe, sure that my parents knew where we were headed.

So I would look out the windows and watch the trees and poles flying overhead until I fell back asleep, not caring where we were going, just happy that my family was going there together.

All those feelings came back to me as I laid down to sleep in Fern, looking up at the roof and feeling as secure as that kid in the Chevy, easily falling asleep for a solid eight hours without disturbing dreams or waking up once during the night. 

And again, Fern had something even better than my parents' van: a comfy mattress for me to sleep on instead of just the floor or all our baggage. Score two for Fern!

3. The surprise dinner

Perhaps to ensure that our journey in Fern was a true adventure, my friend and I did not fully prepare for the trip. 

We did not make reservations for a place to sleep, but the friendly young person in the kiosk at Prairie Creek Redwoods State Park had a campsite to offer us. 

We also did not bring enough food for dinner, but my friend suggested we announce loudly our need for food while walking through the campground in the hopes that someone would answer our call. 

Sure enough, a man overheard us and suggested we drive five miles back to the town of Orick, where the local volunteer fire department was holding a fund-raising dinner. There we each bought a plate piled high with steak, baked potato, salad, green beans, and desserts.

But as happy as I was eating tri-trip and huge slices of watermelon instead of another protein bar, that meal in Fern could never beat the miracle M&Ms I ate one night in my family’s van.

My mother usually only let us have sweets on special occasions like Halloween and Easter, so it was quite the surprise when my parents stopped at a roadside stand one night on the way home for a carton of eggs, and for some reason bought a package of M&Ms for us.

I remember holding the colorful candies in my palm like they were precious jewels, eating them one by one so slowly that each had warmed through by the time it reached my mouth. And I loved the feeling of the shell cracking on warm, slightly melted chocolate so much that I resolved to always eat M&Ms like that, if I ever got them again.

To this day, those M&Ms are the best thing I have ever eaten. Sorry, Fern — that will forever be a score for the Chevy van.

Other cool things we found with Fern:

 4. The Pay Phone

Me phone home.

With no cell service at our campground, I could not get my phone to make a call or even send a text. 

Luckily, the visitor center at Prairie Creek Redwoods has a working pay phone that I used to finally call home and tell my husband we arrived safely and scored a campsite for the night.

That phone alone was a wonderful trip back in time, making my friend squeal with joy when she picked up the receiver and heard an actual dial tone!

 5. And, yes, even an old Chevy van:

Funny enough, we also saw an old Chevy van on our trip to Fern Canyon. 

On the north end of the tiny town of Orick, there is a van that has been parked along the highway so long that it is nearly completely covered by the vines growing on its carport. It wasn't as old as the 1968 Chevy my parents had, but it was still super fun to see. 

Thanks to my friend and her van Fern, I had one of the coolest trips ever:

And this video will take you to Fern Canyon itself:

My Grandmother's Journals: October, 1997

 

Grandma "camping" in 1959.

In tiny notebooks, my grandmother wrote each day when she woke, where she ate breakfast, any movie she went to see, any mail and calls she received, then what she read and watched on TV before bed.

 

In 1997, she turned 82 while living alone in a mobile home park in Santa Cruz, Calif., but I wouldn't describe her as lonely. She was an extremely independent and persnickety woman whom I never knew to live with another person or even a pet. (I wrote more about her life in an earlier post.) 
 

Close to her home was the famous surfing spot called Pleasure Point, and she loved walking on the cliffs above the ocean and watching the surfers. When she died at 97 in 2013, I took her ashes to those waves with a friend of hers and we each dropped some at the sand. A moment after I dropped mine, a surfer emerged from the water where I stood.

 

That was cool. 

 

Pleasure Point, 1997. Photo taken by my grandmother.

 

In October of 1997, she had just turned 82 and was watching plenty of movies, baseball and football, and even embarking on home improvement projects.

 

September entries.

 

Wednesday, Oct. 1, 1997

To Longs, BP machine out. Gave homeless $2.

Ate at McDonald's.

Deposited $81.89 in Justine’s account.

To office for rent receipt. “Dottie” there, spoke about Las Vegas.

Ate, slept 2 hours.

Cleaned patio and swept.

TV: X-Files, Voyager. Taped “The Lullaby of Broadway.”

Thursday, Oct. 2, 1997

Up 7:30. Tea, cereal.

Changed sheets.

To Kmart, got pansies, BP check.

Home, planted pansies.

Did washing, skirts (2), pants, sox. 

To show, “In & Out.” Good. 

Checked if coupon accepted to Full Monty, yes.

Watched Mystery, John Thaw. Not great. He smokes.

Did Patrick Stewart announce marriage?

 

Friday, Oct. 3, 1997

Awakened by loud talk next door!

To Longs, BP, TV Guide.

Cut back Jasmine.

Read papers, made tuna salad.

Ran “Di, the People’s Princess.”

TV: X-Files, Star Trek TNG. 

Saturday,  Oct. 4, 1997

Up 8:30. Tea, cereal.

Worked on cuttings, watered lawns, flowers.

To library, read Time mag re Diana. Took pix of 4 pages.

Long lines at cinema, decided not to go.

To Trader Joe’s. home.

Taped “Vertigo,” watched “I confess,” ran end of Laura.

Sunday, Oct. 5, 1997

Tea, cereal, toast.

Worked on cuttings, packed for pick-up tomorrow.

To show, “The Edge.” Good.

To library, Barrons, Sports Illustrated, checked out Time with Diana.

To Kmart, BP, got turkey sandwich.

TV: Football, Siskel & Ebert.

Taped “Laura” again, cut off last words before.

Slept, but not good. Cold coming on?

 

Monday, Oct. 6, 1997

No washing.

To Longs, Albertsons, bank.

WINDY!

Shoulder hurts. Cold?

Wrote Mina. To post office. mailed pix of Time mag. $.78

 

Tuesday, Oct. 7, 1997

Tea, cereal, worked on extending prices of stock.

TV: CNN, taped Shirley MacLaine movie, “What a Way to go.”

Dressed, got paper, walked on cliff. Windy, warm.

To Burger King, got fish sandwich.

Home, news.

Tried bed. Read, crossword, couldn’t sleep til 12:30.

Wednesday, Oct. 8, 1997

To Longs, BP machine out again!

Cold! Weather man said 20 degrees from last week.

Vacuumed vents for heater.

Hurt side, twisted while vacuuming. Home all rest of day.

Read papers.

TV: News, some Geraldo, ran “Laura.” (Second tape.)

Thursday, Oct. 9, 1997

Awake 7:15. Debated whether to wash or not.

Mailed letter to BNY and New Energies.

To Laundromat, 9:10 to 10:15.

To Drug Emporium after Burger King: Got cards, soup, cookies.

To Kmart, ate.

TV: X-Files, Mystery.

 

Friday, Oct. 10, 1997

Tea, cereal.

Called Passport, what a hassle! Filled in renewal.

To Bay Photo. Clerk going to Japan in summer to teach English.

To post office, mailed passport.

Home, ironed.

TV: Equalizer, Quincy, re-read Diana info.

Bed, but read papers, washed dishes.

 

Saturday, Oct. 11, 1997

Up 8:30. Some chores.

Breakfast Kmart.

Oiled tables, got legs out of shed. 

To OSH, got clamps for shed.

Home for new movie by Gene Rodenberry, but baseball game!

Mail: Card from Mimi and Justine, she not coming.

Ran tape, “The Lady Vanishes.”

 

Sunday, Oct. 12, 1997

Tea, cereal.

Walked cliff. Chilly.

To Kmart, veal dinner.

Football: 49ers vs. Rams, 30-10.

Called Mina. She called back, was at pharmacist.

Watered lawn.

 

Monday, Oct. 13, 1997

No sleep until 3.

Bank closed.

To library, looked for county municipal codes. Four huge books!

To show, “Soul Food.” Left 3/4 way through, then went to see end of “The Edge.”

Hot here. 72 degrees at 10.

Sports: Orioles won, Redskins beat Cowboys.

TV: Bio of Vincent Price, three marriages. Died at 82 years, 1993.

Tuesday, Oct. 14, 1997

Slept til 9. Still groggy.

To Thrifty, no plug. To OSH, yes, got it.

To Longs, BP and cans of food, TV Guide.

To KFC, chicken salad, $2.80.

Home. Very hot.

Got wrong-sized plug.

Wrote Justine.

Walked around park. Mary’s home dark?

 

Wednesday, Oct, 15, 1997

Tea, cereal.

Watered back lawns, washed car, raked leaves.

To OSH, exchanged plug.

To Longs, BP.

Hot!

Ran “Laura” tape to record “Spellbound.”

 

Thursday, Oct. 16, 1997

Tea, cereal.

Walked cliff, no wind. Hot.

BP at Drug Emporium.

Home, priced stocks, figured costs.

To Albertsons, got veggies for salad.

TV: Frasier, X-Files, Mystery, some news.

Tired, up 1-3-5-7

Friday, Oct. 17, 1997

BP at Longs.

Scotts Valley, breakfast at Chubby’s.

To doctor, got flu shot. 

Walked, worked on tax of stocks. Can’t take a loss, only a small capital gain.

TV: News, Frasier, X-Files, some NYPD Blue. Taped “Passion Fish.”

Saturday, Oct. 18, 1997

Tea, cereal. Watered lawns.

Ellie told me Mary died, also Clara.

Worked on clamps in shed, put 3 up.

Walked.

To show, “Playing God.”

Got pads.

Ran “Passion Fish,” taped “Maltese Falcon.”

 

Sunday, Oct. 19, 1997

No sleep til 3, up 9.

Tea, cereal, football.

Walked, to 41st donut. Talk of motel, and low income on 38th.

Called Prudy at 2:30, talked 3/4 hour. One eye fine, other got infected.

Called Justine at 4:30, decided next week.

Taped Making of English Patient, Art of  Russian Skating.

Monday, Oct. 20, 1997

Awake 7:15. Tea, then to Burger King.

Drug Emporium, got vitamins on sale. 

To library, returned magazine.

Took pix of Newsweek re: Diana’s accident.

To carpet place, didn’t see anything.

TV: Football, TNG.

 

Tuesday, Oct. 21, 1997

Up 9:15. Longs, BP, got mandarin oranges.

To Gottschalk’s, all sales gone!

To carpet place on Soquel, forgot map.

Kmart for lunch.

Home, talked to Lois & Oscar.

TV: News, baseball. Taped bio of Rita Hayworth.

Shower/hair.

No sleep til 2. Awake 7:15, refreshed!

 

Wednesday, Oct. 22, 1997

To laundromat, washed pants, three pair; red sweatshirt, blue work outfit, denim jacket (Liz). 

I was only client 8:20 to 9:20.

Home, wrote part of letter to Mina.

Longs, BP and writing pad.

To carpet place, ordered. Salesman to be here Friday.

Ate soup, pie.

 

Thursday, Oct. 23, 1997

Walked cliff. Saw O’Neill. Grizzled, eye patch. 

What are men doing at base of house? Portable toilet at top?

To Wherehouse, returned video.

To show, “Devil's Advocate.” Morality play, absorbing, Al Pacino great.

Baseball: Marlins won

Friday, Oct. 24, 1997

Up 8:30, tea.

BP at Longs, someone left picture in Xerox.

Drug Emporium, got toilet paper, 12 for $1.99

Home, vacuumed bathroom, vent in kitchen, oiled furnace.

Bathroom needs floor repaired, called TLC.

Sunday, Oct. 26, 1997

Justine here.

Listed stocks. Surprised, total stocks up $1,000.

Walked cliff. Private contractors, building seawall below small house. Also sifted for seashells, fossils.

To OSH, priced rods. To Kmart, rods about $16.

Ate Marie Callendar’s, $15.00

To show, “Full Monty.” Hard to understand.

Monday, Oct. 27, 1997

Awake 4 a.m.! Justine up 7:30.

Ate at Lyon's. To cliff, hard hats.

To Trader Joe’s, Justine left 10:30.

Home, rested a bit. Hot. Sent videos to Mina.

To Burger King, chicken sandwich.

To OSH, no salesman.

TV: Green Bay over New England, Bears over Miami. Bed after X-Files.

 

Wednesday, Oct. 29, 1997

Up 6:45. Sleep not on track yet after time change. 

Watered lawns, hosed car.

Longs, BP.  McDonald’s, got coffee. Bank, got money.

Home, called Mercury News regarding skating.

Cleaned windows in bedroom, 10 to 2.

Burger King, got chicken sandwich.

Drug Emporium, candy. 

Home, news. Called Mina 5:15 to 5:45.

TV: Fraiser, X-Files (new to me).

Thursday, Oct. 30, 1997

Up 7:30. Tea, etc.

Shower/hair. Walked.

Man asked me to zip him, suit caught.

Longs, got tuna, chicken, mandarin oranges, TV Guide.

Young man wanted food, gave soup, milk.

TV: Fraiser, X-Files, Mystery.

 

Friday, Oct. 31, 1997

Awake 7:30, up 8:30.

Breakfast Burger King.

Tennis, Paris Open.

Rested a bit, walked on cliff.

Ran “Napoleon.”

TV: "The Mummy," Frasier, X-Files.

Larry outside at night, “looking at stars.”

 

November entries.