If men are like bread: Have fun with croissants, but marry a good crusty loaf

In college I wrote a silly column comparing men to bread, advising that while croissants are good for some fun, when it comes time to choose one to spend your life with, you need to choose a much more versatile “loaf of crusty French bread.”

More than 20 years later, married me finds the advice from college me surprisingly spot on, as the only thing I would change about that column now would be to recommend sourdough instead of French bread. Because sourdough is more complex, providing more interesting flavor to enjoy over the years to come.

And the best part about reading this column now is knowing that at my first newspaper job after college, I met that versatile loaf of bread (one far more tangy sourdough than mild French bread!) to share my life with.

That was cool.

Here is that column originally published in Cal Poly SLO’s newspaper The Mustang Daily un the mid-1990s, though I did tweak it a bit, both because it was too long and because some of the passages need not be repeated. 

“All We Knead is Love,” by Justine Frederiksen

Love is like bread — it’s all in the dough. The success depends on how you knead it and how good the yeast is.
But before you make the love, you have to choose the person to make it with. And you must choose carefully, because you can’t make love that is better than the person you are with.

First, there are breadsticks. These look good, and if you're really hungry, they'll work. But only for a short time. They're small and crumble easily. Not satisfying at all.

Next, stay away from anything that's always in bars, like pretzels. These are usually old, stale and only good when there's lots of beer around.

Also, be wary of croissants, which I have a weakness for. They are very hard to resist because they are exotic (not your everyday biscuit or toast) and look and taste very good. But you can’t make a habit of eating them because they are expensive and bad for the heart. I know, they are very tempting and I have very fond memories of the croissants I’ve met, but trust me, you can’t live with them.

Don’t be tempted by doughnuts either, because they’re just a lot of pretty packing with no substance underneath. They are the bimbos of the bread world: fun for a little while, but soon you’re hungry for meaningful conversation and real interactions.

Also stay away from bagels. They aren’t as dangerous or as tempting as croissants and doughnuts, but are so dry and boring that you need to add lots of fattening and expensive ingredients ingredients like cream cheese and lox before they’re worth eating. Not good long-term.

Whole wheat bread can be good, because it can be healthy and interesting, especially if it has nuts and ancient grains. But choose this only if you’re really good, too. If not, you might find yourself craving a bit of naughtiness and sneaking out for doughnuts.

What I suggest instead is a loaf of versatile French bread. It can be simple or fancy, snack or meal, filling or decadent. It’s good plain or topped with butter, cheap cheddar or expensive brie. 
You can have it over one night for cheese and wine, then spend the whole next day with it: toast it for breakfast, make sandwiches for lunch, then eat it with soup for dinner.

Of course, really good French bread is hard to find. Sometimes you have to travel quite far to get it from the right baker. But it's worth all the time and effort to find that special bread you will enjoy every day.